


Grammar Helps You Earn Your Whole Retainer

by Elf (Elfwreck)



Category: Filk - Fandom, Spelling and Grammar (Fandom)
Genre: English, Filk, Gen, Grammar Porn, Law, Meta, Nonfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-30
Updated: 2013-06-30
Packaged: 2017-12-16 15:29:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/863605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elfwreck/pseuds/Elf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One of my assignment options for my legal research class: "Write a song about the importance of using proper grammar in legal documents." I got college credit for this.</p><p>Filk, to the tune of: Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Grammar Helps You Earn Your Whole Retainer

**Author's Note:**

> I am uncertain if this is the proper venue for this filksong. I'm not sure if it's a "fanwork," except that the reason I wrote it is that I get all fannish and squeeful over grammar, and I get fannish and squeeful over legal documents, and getting a school assignment that let me combine those was the bright spot of that quarter.
> 
> Suggestions for tagging are most welcome.

_Chorus:_   Grammar lets you earn your whole retainer  
Whether filing memos or a brief  
You can say there’s no such thing as syntax  
But poorly-written pleas get no relief.

No redundancies or excess  
Keep it simple and polite  
Clear, direct communication,  
Or the judge may not agree—and won’t indict.

Make your subjects match your verb use,  
(So you need not resubmit),  
Tense and parallel construction,  
And infinitives are not made to be split. 

_Chorus_

Don’t be like the men of Congress  
Who were working with good will  
But lost half a million dollars  
Through a misplaced comma on a tariff bill.[[1]](Note1)

Use good composition, grammar,  
Punctuation and spell-check.  
If illegible to readers  
Your case might get thrown out like Duncan’s wreck.[[2]](Note2)

_Chorus_

Nouns and pronouns in agreement;  
With your commas, lists arrange;  
Use the Bluebook for citations;  
Keep your modifiers close to what they change.

I’ve warned all my legal colleagues.  
“Better proofread for yourselves.  
You could even lose your license  
If your writing seems composed by drunken elves.”[[3]](Note3)

 _Final:_   Grammar lets you earn your whole retainer  
Whether filing memos or a brief  
You can say there’s no such thing as syntax  
But poorly-written pleas get no relief.  
Yes, poorly-written pleas get no relief.  
________________________

1. _The New York Times._ "[Forty-Third Congress](http://query.nytimes.com/mem/archive-free/pdf?_r=2&res=9902EFD8173BEF34BC4951DFB466838F669FDE)." 21 February 1874 (p. 37). (Also: [Snopes details](http://www.snopes.com/legal/comma.asp).)

2. “Inadequately pleaded factual allegations take at least two forms. First, a complaint may be so poorly composed as to be functionally illegible. [...]Second, individual allegations, although grammatically intact, may be so baldly conclusory that they fail to give notice of the basic events and circumstances of which the plaintiff complains.[...]Duncan's complaint, which was drafted by her counsel, is deficient in both respects.” _Duncan v. AT & T Commc'ns, Inc._, 668 F. Supp. 232, 234 (S.D.N.Y. 1987)

3. “[R]espondent had submitted briefs of ‘shockingly poor quality,’ replete with defects such as incorrect clients' names, inclusion of irrelevant boilerplate, and reference to evidence that had not been submitted.” _In re Sobolevsky_ , 96 A.D.3d 60, 61, 944 N.Y.S.2d 20, 22 (2012)

**Author's Note:**

> The full text of the assignment option (there were two other options; this was by far the most fun) was:
> 
>  **CREATIVE:** Write a song about the importance of using proper grammar in legal documents, discussed in Chapter 14 of _Legal Research, Analysis, and Writing_ , or the similarities and dissimilarities of court briefs and office memoranda, discussed in Chapter 18 of _Legal Research, Analysis, and Writing_. 
> 
> If opting to write a song about the importance of using proper grammar in legal documents, your focus should be on how critical grammar can be to the meaning of a legal document. If opting to write a song about the similarities and dissimilarities of court briefs and office memoranda, your focus should be on the specific similarities and differences that affect the purpose of these legal documents. 
> 
> Format your submission and cite your sources in the required format.


End file.
